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self-mastery journal

the darkness.

The Darkness is your boogeyman.

It’s all of the things you’re afraid of. It’s all of the things you don’t want to feel. It’s all of the existential truths you don’t want to face.

Your entire life is arranged around protecting you from the Darkness.

One of the themes within my Darkness is guilt.

Not the kind of guilt you get from committing a crime. It’s the guilt that’s more existential in nature. The guilt that makes you feel as if you don’t deserve to be alive. The guilt that suggests there’s something wrong with being yourself. The guilt that says everyone else is deserving of love, but you’re not.

The following is a showcase of how the Guardian has protected me from this guilt:

  • Minimalistic tendencies. Become a miser and have an easy day job so you don’t have to face the fact that you feel undeserving of higher income.
  • People pleasing. Become a doormat and acquire external approval so you don’t have to face the fact that you feel defective.
  • Lack of social connections. Be more introverted because you’re too afraid of rejection. Rejection reflects your inner feelings of unworthiness.
  • Type-a personality. Graduate with straight A’s, become enlightened, have a life purpose, produce an album all by yourself, and make no mistakes. Oh, and create a blog. Do all of these things to cover up the feeling that you are an undeserving nobody.

I suspect that my revealing all of this to you is reassuring. Yes, don’t worry. You’re not the only one that’s avoiding the Darkness.